Nat's Blog

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Music to my ears

I once heard the phrase “in history every crescendo is followed by a diminuendo”. Time is the weaver of the pattern of this impromptu composition called life. Great moments are often too brief, and the magnitude of their greatness is only realized when the moment has passed and the volume is lessened, leaving listeners with a strange echoing silence.
If a musician were to wow an audience and establish a standing ovation, or even as much as inspire the desire of an encore, they need to understand the relationship between the highs and the lows. It was during the Easter homily at my parish when my Pastor explained that everyone needs to be able to take the good with the bad in a fair balance, so that if life were to take a wrong turn and the chords change from major to minor, we can still last through it and await the return to a more bearable dynamic.
Waiting is the challenge. It would be easy if we could just speed up that metronome and plow through to a more pleasing medley. Maybe we have become too impatient of a society, in that we are often furiously changing the channels of our radios to find that song that fits us best without listening to what is already playing. If we sit through the song, we may come to find that those deep down rhapsodies that cut straight to the heart and leave us open and exposed in turn will allow us to become more deeply touched by the serenades and the lighthearted sonatas that come around in the next section of the score. To appreciate one, we cannot cover our ears to the other, or else we are living in ignorance. The true musician and the avid listener respects all.
It lies in the favor of choice that we can decide which we prefer to surround ourselves with. Whether it be the rumba, sarabande, polka, mazurka, polonaise, scat, jazz, punk, house and beyond, no two songs are exactly alike. Through the ages our preludes and overtures have shortened to almost non-existence so that there is limited preview as to what we can expect these days. Synthesizers and other electronic equipment has made everything possible. And we all know that we don’t dance to the same beats our parents danced to.
It is in the refrain of songs and the repetition of the chorus where we can learn the melody and even sing along. And of course, though we cannot always prepare ourselves for the random staccatos or the pauses, we just need to accept that whether the scales are ascending or descending they are part of a greater purpose and that the entire recital can be as beautiful as we allow ourselves to let it be. Thus when the crescendo is gone and the diminuendo begins, it is in the fall that we can pick up and rise again.

Friday, April 22, 2005

lets talk about here and there

Destiny846: hey there cousin
POLISHOAK1: what up
Destiny846: just writing about greek doves
Destiny846: and how they are depicted on a gravestone
POLISHOAK1: greek stoves?
POLISHOAK1: interesting
Destiny846: yeah
Destiny846: they made hot cakes
POLISHOAK1: what does a stove have to do with nursing?
Destiny846: nothing, i just like to be able to heat things up
POLISHOAK1: im sure there is a connection, but im tired
POLISHOAK1: understand
Destiny846: aww i can see the tiredness
POLISHOAK1: word
Destiny846: you are entitled to a nap
POLISHOAK1: i need to go to a gym
Destiny846: you have big eyes
Destiny846: ooo im going too!
POLISHOAK1: and go to bed at 10
POLISHOAK1: to olympia?
Destiny846: maybe one da yill go to olympia
Destiny846: tho i think ill be signing with that one on
Destiny846: woodhaven blvd
POLISHOAK1: donkin donuts?
Destiny846: i think there is one near there
Destiny846: its on the way to your house
Destiny846: wait
Destiny846: almost
Destiny846: just liek
Destiny846: further
POLISHOAK1: so u mean the one in queens?
Destiny846: wordie
POLISHOAK1: ok
POLISHOAK1: its gymmy time
POLISHOAK1: im falling sleepy
Destiny846: ok duder
Destiny846: later

POLISHOAK1: sooner
Destiny846: and yes
Destiny846: queenser
Destiny846: is what i meant
Destiny846: by the gym
POLISHOAK1: cooler
Destiny846: peacer!
POLISHOAK1: souper
Destiny846: duper

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

for a split second

life makes sense

i started off with absolutely the strangest evening...the stuff i was being told by people...the feelings of anxiety on behalf of all those around me who were making illogical and self destructive desicions...and then later this eve an additional dissappointment flung my way to test out the endurance that I built up over at Chapman Lake this past weekend.

it pushed me off my schedule 2 hours+ and i was at the gym so late.

and because of being late,


i got my hat back!

and i got to experience the ultimate surreal ride of being on a motorcycle.


for the first time ever, ladies and gentlemen!

for someone who really is not a fan of uncontrolled speed or fast moving things, i really thought i was going to need a tranquilizer beforehand. and surprisingly it felt soooo amazing and free.

i cant help but quote the words of slim shady: opportunity knocks once in a lifetime :)

bells will be ringing...

now that the new Pope is Germany my dad has NO excuses for not converting to Catholicism.


and guess who be gettin to know the whole scranton neighborhood with this new clinical experience. there's some pretty wack peeps living out there in the real boones... i've seen quite alot for the first home health day!



and now for a song:

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
wish you were ....

Thursday, April 14, 2005

real sleep at last on a thursday!!

so today was something of a typical day in all its scrantonic unusualness. i spent the morning touring a prison and an afternoon at a cerebral palsy clinic. i felt a little tired from the escapades from the night before but proceded throughout the day with coffee and did not even nap.

i got to thinking, amidst the prison cells and the boring talk on new medical appliances (sorry, it sucked and i've seen all that stuff before), about how easily one can live two separate opposing lives. in one manner i seek to work hard at my therapeautic communication skills and work to the best of my abilities with people. Then how quickly i revert backwards and somehow manage to get myself in a communication-block. it is a fact that with some people you may as well speak to a stone wall (or should i say a stoned wall?). other times its easier to teach a monkey rocket science rather than getting some people to tell you what is going on with them.

and then i got to thinking that maybe before i bitch and moan about those that can't step up to the plate, i ought to make sure i can do it myself.

to quote someone's blogging:
While you are out there deciding, the sun is burning away, and the earth is hurdling through space at millions of miles per hour.
Which is why you must live like you mean it: right here and now you must step up to the plate, no time for second thoughts or second guessing oneself. The time is almost up.


and with some inspiration from a chat from the lovely Janine Howard I decided that there's no need to push things off and wait to see what catastrophe hits next.



i stepped up to the plate.




and made a decision!


and though this decision is predicted to close a door thats been losely swaying open in the wind, it is something that i felt i needed to do.


though really, who can predict anything these days. and when one door closes another one may open but then you realize that there were also windows and chimneys and even holes punched straight through walls and so who really cares about that damn closed door anyway its second tier and besides, doors are NEVER locked in Scranton.



but today i know i did something right!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

still more miracles left?









woke up at 615 this morning when i was suppose to be at the bus at 630. the radio station that blared on my alarm-radio was country. i keep meaning to switch that but always forget. it was so dark and i had to orient myself to location and where i was suppose to go. i booked it out the door and caught the bus. my next weird reality was waking up on the bus 2 hours later after thinking it was only going to take us 1 hour to get there and all i heard was..."oh there is the Capitol". i didn't quite pay attention to the detailed plans of this trip the nursing department was taking us on and suddenly i thought we changed plans and ended up in d.c.

This was not the case we went to harisburg, PA instead. Though I saw a billion Cherry Blossoms in bloom and enough good looking men in suits to make me think we were somewhere important. Oh yeah, and we ran into Fr. Pilarz---of course we'd run into someone from Scranton! I reminisced with Caeser about my trip to Georgetown only a semester ago....I so wish we could take another road trip!

Alas there are a thousand things going on...battle of the bands, the next upcoming dance rha/rhc is planning, volleyball smackdown, my community rotation, last yearbook stuff, aquinas stuff, RA stuff, graduation stuff, and etc. i'm even crossing out all NYC plans completely for the next month and a half.

scranton, you have my full attention.

whatever reaches out now....dominates til we cross the finish line.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Still a few more lives left?

Why are we so stubborn when it comes to hanging on to obviously disintegrating relationships? Maybe it's because at least the person we're with - however wrong for us - is a known quantity and a set of raw materials to work with. If we let him go, there's no guarantee that we'll meet anyone better. Consequently, we ignore the signs that are obvious to everyone else and stay mired in dead-end relationships for weeks, months, even years longer than we should....

I can't quite seem to say "Game Over" despite knowing that im walking on a dead-end street.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

I wanna know is it as good as it gets Cuz we been through the worst times and the best times But it was our times even if it was part times Now people luvin me n hatin me n treatin me ungratefully But not knowing that they ain’t makin a break at me Now people screamin what’s the deal with u and so and so I tell them mind their biz but they dont hear me though

Cuz I live my life ta the limit and I love it

three nights later

a lifetime in another weekend we're all riding rollercoasters

self inflicted choices that we make!!


ever get the feeling that the more explanations you give, the more questions just keep coming up.


this time around i have good intentions...............................


buggers!



aint nothin my squad can't fix :)

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

what awaits in NYC...

Monday, April 04, 2005

in the end, its all about the friends that stand by you

its not like all year we haven't thought back to all the months past. today i got to thinking about summer orientation weekend and the first night up at scranton. everything seemed new and cool. some stuff about me is still the same. like when people asked stuff about me i recall talking about my time at sound factory (the nyc club, not actually the house here) in the meantime that club closed down years ago, but now it is suppose to re-open....re-open when i come back home for real!. i remember telling new scranton people about europa (still go there) and poland and all that. so some interests are still the same and actually they've grown. but then i think about my views on life and how much has changed. i def saw the world with rose colored glasses back then. i probably got some of the greatest learning experiences through all my nursing clinicals. i must've met way over a hundred people who shared their life story with me during my rotations or service learning hours, and all the hurdles theyve crossed. and i've grown along with the hardships of my fellow peers as well. over the years we had all kinds of changes at home for instance my house is completely renovated, i no longer have a dog, i had knee surgury, and there were other family issues that we're still dealing with. of course everybody's got something and such is life. its naive to think time would stand still and nothing would change. but is it naive to think that there ought to still be so much more than this? i'm dissappointed in some things that i thought would work out different. in the end i realize that there are many things completely out of my control. the emotional availability of others is one of those things. and that is a big let down.

simultaneously i look around at all the great things around me. these glm chicas have such a spunk to life that revives everything for me too. and where would i be without some other characters in my life that have stood by from the start when we were wandering the halls of glm as freshmen ourselves. and really, do others have it that much better than this?



SweetSosh: you know what random thought just went thru my mind
SweetSosh: imagine being the pope's friend
SweetSosh: like his childhood friend they keep talkin about
Destiny846: soshek, i never thought of that
SweetSosh: like what do u say oh my best friend is JP II
SweetSosh: like how i say oh my best friend is natters
Destiny846: i suppose it be just like that
Destiny846: when they say bye, maybe they say "peace out"

Sunday, April 03, 2005

and PS

just in case you were'nt sure or were confused


high school is OVER
its been a somber day. after the passing of Karol Wojtyla, I was on the phone with my mom for over an hour. She said that 8,000 people were at St. Patrick's Cathedral for the Polish Mass. I got in touch with some of my fellow Poles and everybody's feelin a little down. Truly a remarkable man.


Among the obstacles this weekend that knocked my trust out into the gutter, I've been getting this feeling all day that I need to do something. I'm not sure. Maybe I could do all my homework this week. That would be remarkable. But something else. Is it time to learn a new language? GO somewhere? I always get the inclination to leave when things just don't go the way I plan...an escape to nowhere. I had such a good break though so maybe the magic of San Juan will pull me through. I'll be having another Paul van Dyk night in the future and a good night of music usually gets my juices pumped again. ICU if finishing this week and I'm a little sad to see that rotation end. So....what do i do? I'll have just have to see.

oh the fury...

i'm shaking a little...seeing red and green as if this were a negative film strip off of a camera print. my horoscope never said this was coming! and sure im silly to let this bother me i got the yellow light as a warning sign from peeps...yellow as in approach with CAUTION. and i usually prefer those kinds of things anyway but....

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME AGAIN OF ALL THE REASONS WHY I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN RELATIONSHIPS

and the biggest thing im sorry for is that my fav little black hat got hit the hardest ;( take care out there, wherever you are


grrr. this may take some time to settle.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

wide open spaces

last night i felt the urge to re-arrange my room furniture again. i've been told that i do it more often than most people. it is a bit of an obsession and i get my kicks out of seeing how many different set ups i could have. its all practicality too, based on drafts from the window and sunlight according to season, noise factor depending on which wall is most sound-proofed (none of them really) and so forth. its so refreshing. it gets tiring quickly looking at the same set-up...same pattern. for me life is a good life if you mix things up a little (or even very much). Edgar Allen Poe compared the windows of a house to eyes and the inner furnishings and arrangements of the house parrellel to the human mind and soul. maybe its like our modern form of Feng Shui too. i have more energy with change on the horizon. i will be very bored and sad if i have a weekend without plans.

i've been thinking about spatial arrangements lately especially after I had an awesome lecture on it in art history. I found that Puerto Rico was relatively easy to map out. The streets in the old city were parellel and perpendicular (unlike my part of Queens there isn't much of a pattern to the streets). we had no trouble finding our way around Condado and Santurce, and by the second day I almost felt I could tell the cabbies where to go. I realized again how much I like being by the ocean. There's a sense of freedom to it. Last year in Chicago, despite the great lakes, I felt like the city matched with its fashion sense to New York, but it was landlocked. There is also something really thrilling about being near an airport (JFK) that shoots out directly to all these different destinations...no connected flights necessary.

there's alot more to say about the trip to San Juan, and there's kind of alot to say about the past few weeks occurrences too. but i'm saving that blogging for another day. it is a rare event when i'm up way before noon on a saturday morning so im off. would catch the next wave but there's a no surfing law in scranton. instead though we drink like fish and go out pretending that our world here is an ocean ;) watch out for 'em sharks!

fabulous four ;) Posted by Hello